Cycles of Abuse in Monkeys

Researchers in Georgia studied a group of Rhesus monkeys who were abused and non abused as infants (both by natural or adoptive monkey moms) and found that while 9 of 16 of the abused infants grew to abuse their own offspring (whether abused by natural or adoptive mom), none of the 15 unabused infants abused their own offspring.

This is a pretty interesting study and is being correlated to cycles of abuse in humans. The only problem I see with such correlation is that while about 60% of the abused monkeys went on to abuse, current data shows that only 30% of human moms perpetuate the cycle.

It's still an interesting study... what are the implications here? If a human mom abuses her child should we place the child with adoptive (nonabusive) parents? Sure! I'm all for it.. unfortunately I'm not queen of the world, though, and what really happens is that the child is removed from the home (if they're lucky) and placed with family (if they're really lucky) or put into foster care where a great many of them are abused just as horribly as they were in their homes.

Am I saying we should just give up and not remove kids from abusive homes? Of course not! But it's really easy to say "take them out of the home!" and forget about it as a society... unfortunately its not nearly as easy as that.

A Great Work from Home Website!

Since I hope to work from home I have been looking around for information about how to successfully make an income while being a stay at home mommy. I have not yet looked at every work-at-home site (or even close to every), but I thought I'd tell you about the one that currently has my most interest.

Home with the Kids (www.homewiththekids.com) is a great site with a listing of opportunities that have been tested and found to be legitimate by the author(s) of the site as well as their members. There are easy and clear explanations of the kinds of work available and also links to reputable companies. I am just starting out with the process of finding work from home, and thus can't tell you about any results yet, but I will be sure to tell you about opportunities I do pursue and how they work out with me in future posts.

Staying at Home?

I see so many parents, today, who have children and only see them a few waking hours a week. I really hope I can avoid that with Lily. Lily may be the only child I ever have and I want to be there for every milestone I can possibly witness. I want to see that first smile, her first time sitting up, hear her first word, see her take her first steps, and also be there to guide her through the frustrations of development and experience. I want to be a full time mommy.

While it seems sure I will be able to be a full time Mom for Lily's first year, while I am finishing my degree, It is hard to say if I will be able to continue to do that once I graduate (and no longer have financial aid to live on. I do believe I will be continuing on to get my MFA in creative writing, but I may end up waiting to do that until I have a better idea of Eric's situation and where he will be in his work and physical location.

So I have begun to do a lot of research on ways to supplement my income via online work. Mostly writing opportunities (of which this blog may eventually be one), but I am also looking at everything that might be viable as a source of income that will allow me to spend time with my daughter.

I am even more dedicated to this course because Eric tells me that the first few years after he finishes his PhD he will have to work very long hours. I think it would be a terrible mistake to give Lily two part time parents... and I don't want to see someone else raising our child.

I think this is a big dilemma for many parents today, a much publicized one as well. Many of us feel that we have to choose between our careers and our children. For me the choice is easy; I will always choose Lily over my career, but I hope that in the end I will be able to have success in both. Luckily for me, my aspirations are pretty flexible and mostly allow for working at home (YAY!).

I will post on any good opportunities I find and let you know about my success in my working at home adventures. If you know of any, as well, please let me know about them and how they've worked for you :)

Attachment Parenting

Since learning that I was pregnant I have been exploring many different philosophies of parenting. I've been around children all of my life, and feel pretty comfortable in my ability to care for my child, but am the sort of person who likes to have information on a variety of ideas about any given subject.

One parenting philosophy which I find intriguing, though I am unsure if I will subscribe to it, is that of "Attachment Parenting." Attachment Parenting (AP) is a philosophy of caring for, and raising, your child in a sensitive and nurturing way (As, hopefully, all parenting methods are). The difference between AP and more mainstream styles of child-rearing lies, it seems, in the intensity of care and also several non-mainstream ideologies.

There are 8 fundamental ideas which seem to define AP.

1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth and parenting: This seems to be a commonsense thing to do, if possible, for any new parents. By having clear ideas of what to expect, the whole process should be calmer and easier to flow through. Many AP adherents also choose to experience natural childbirth, home-birthing, and other somewhat uncommon practices in childbirth. What I can tell you, personally, is that I am definitely not going for the "natural" childbirth thing ;)
2. Feed with Love and Respect: AP very strongly supports the idea of breastfeeding as the best choice for all parents who are able to do so. As all medical professionals agree that "the breast is best" I think this is a difficult position to argue with and probably one of the best things a parent can do for their infant. That said, there are times when it is impossible for a woman to Breastfeed their baby. In those cases AP experts advise parents to make feeding time as similar to breastfeeding as possible; to hold the infant at approximately the same level, thus giving them the visual and emotional bonds that breastfeeding encourages. I do plan to breastfeed, if I am able, but I think that by occasionally supplementing with bottle feedings (of breast milk) we will be able to maintain flexibility of feeding and also give Eric (and other family members) the opportunity to share in this bonding experience with Lily. Many AP adherents also extend breastfeeding for much longer than is normal among parents (at least in the US). I've read several who are breastfeeding well past the age of three, and even occasionally until their children are 7 or older. I personally cannot imagine doing this. In my experience, children are normally off the bottle by the age of two and drinking out of sippi cups and regular table food. I don't think I can imagine any scenario that would convince me to breastfeed past 2 years (and likely not past 1).
3. Respond with Sympathy: This principle is largely about responding to your child within the framework of what they are capable of at their developmental level, rather than imposing your own expectations (which may be unrealistic) upon them. And also includes the ideal of nonviolence when dealing with children (No physical punishment). I think this seems to be a largely sensible philosophy of dealing with children and that it is a good idea to be knowledgeable of what developmental capabilities your child has at any given stage of development. That said, I think that parents must also remain flexible about their expectations of how to interact with their children and be open to whatever is effective in correcting and guiding their children's behavior.
4. Use Nurturing Touch: AP recommends giving the child a lot of physical contact in order to promote secure attachment and bonding. This includes skin-to-skin contact, as in during breastfeeding and holding, and baby-wearing. This is perhaps one of my favorite principles of AP. Studies have shown that skin to skin contact promoted healthy development and also leads to calmer babies. The idea of baby-wearing is a concept which has been popular in many natural child-rearing ideologies and seems to be the best method of keeping a baby calm and happy. Also, baby wearing would seem to remind small babies of the time in the womb and thus also seem to be a great choice for engendering security and contentment within them.
5. co-sleeping: AP recommends sleeping with babies, or at least near them, and this practice has actually been proven to be effective in reducing SIDS when safely undertaken. The government guidelines currently do not recommend co-sleeping, though, and any parent considering it should thoroughly research the many variables surrounding it. I personally plan to sleep with Lily in the room, at my bedside, until she is old enough to be put in her own bed (and the risk of SIDS has passed). I considered co-sleeping but decided that since my cat sleeps with us, it would not be the ideal situation.
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care: AP suggests that parents should not rely too heavily on childcare and if their is a childcare giver that they are stable parts of the child's world to reduce anxiety. This is another ideal I hope to adhere to. I plan to not work (outside of the home) and enjoy Lily as her primary caregiver for as long as I am able to.
7. Practice positive Discipline: Use empathetic, loving and respectful means of discipline and try to discover the root causes of bad behavior. I agree with this in word, but I'm not sure if I always agree with it in the definitions supplied by AP proponents. I think that empathetic, loving and respectful discipline is whatever method is effective for your child (who needs to have discipline methods which work for them) and that some children may require methods of discipline which do not seem empathetic, loving or respectful to some parents. I guess, in the end, I think parents should do what works for them and their child instead of continuing to use methods that are ineffective because someone else tells them that those methods are "correct."
8. Strive for Balance in Family and Personal Life: Here, here! Just remember that part of striving for balance is to acknowledge that balanced for you may be very different than it is for someone else :)

If you'd like to learn more about Attachment parenting:
Atachment parenting International
Attachment Parenting on Wiki
Ask Dr. Sears