This year we drove up to Wisconsin for the holiday. It was a somewhat arduous trip but we were fortunate that Lily decided to sleep most of the time. We've been here for 5 days now and I have to admit that, as worried as I was about the cold, it is quite beautiful and relaxing up here.
When I look outside of the window the world is blanketed in a white stillness that I never see in St. Louis. While everything is peaceful and serene it is also teeming with life. In the mornings we've seen a family of deer, a lone yearling fawn, and an adorable young possum who doesn't seem to understand that he is a nocturnal creature or that it might not be wise to venture up on people's porches during the daylight hours.
Eric's family lives in a very nice home a few miles outside of the actual town. They have several acres of land that Eric explored and conquered during his youth. As I look around it I imagine how Lily will one day explore the same thickets and gulleys that her father did and I am pleased by the continuity of life.
Behind the home is a river that won't freeze over throughout the winter. It provides a very nice babbling background to accompany the few bird and rustling of pines in the wind. Along the river is a trail, which Eric and I walked during our summer visit, and it has several beautiful features that I look forward to seeing with Lily in the years to come.
In all this holiday has been very sweet and warm. We've spent hours enjoying each other and it has been very fun to watch her with her grandparents. She's grown much bigger now and is just starting to try and imitate us... it's too cute.
I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them uploaded. Hope your holiday has been as sweet as has been ours!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Lily Update
So you all may be wondering what Lily is up to. She is growing fast. I'm not sure how big she is now (will let you know after her appt next monday) but she's wearing 3 month sizes oftentimes. She is also smiling a whole lot and beginning to find funny faces... well, funny.She rolled over from her tummy to her back this morning, though it may have been a fluke, and is starting to bat at hanging toys from her Gymini playmat. In general she is showing a much greater interest in toys. She likes to be in her swing for maybe 10 mins. at a time and likes looking up at her mobile for a while also.
She's also staying awake for much longer periods of the day and sleeping for at least one 6 hour stretch at night.
We're having great fun with her. She is quite cute and fun to play with. She is becoming very responsive to music and I hate to admit that she seems really fond of gangster rap (!!!). When she's really upset it can sometimes be the one thing that will calm her down, though it doesn't so much calm Eric or I :)
She is definitely showing a strong mommy preference and sometimes will only be calmed down by me. She seems to have figured out who has the food :-P
We went to my older brother's home for Thanksgiving and while there she seemed to be pretty amused by my nephews (3yo and 18months). They were also very pleased with her. I am excited that we will be moving to California but also sad that it will likely mean that she will not know her cousins very well.
I have quite a few pics of her to share. I have posted a few here and will get some more up soon.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Parenting Before the Internet
This afternoon I was paying for gas at the local Shell station and I had Lily inside with me, in her car seat. There were 2 sweet little old ladies (at least mid-70s) who were oohing and aahing about how cute Lily is. After a few seconds the littler and older of the two ladies looked up at me and said "when I had my babies we had to shut them up in a room and not let anyone around them..." and I looked up in surprise (Lily is 6 weeks now) and asked her how long she had to do that for. She turned to the other Lady and said do you remember having to do that? and the other one simply said no and walked out of the store. The littler one then looked around a little flustered and said "...my mother told me I had to do that..."
As I was leaving the store I was thinking how lucky I am to have as much information as I want about parenting at my fingertips. I was also thinking about how some of the women on MDC are really mad at their parents for not parenting them in a way they agree with, even if they did not have abusive childhoods.
The thing I think so many of us new parents are not considering is that our mothers, and their mothers before them, did not have a lot of parenting options and information presented to them. They were largely told "this is how you take care of a baby..." and who can blame them for accepting that when they didn't have the opportunity to easily find another way? Sure they could read books, but how many books can you read in your spare time with a little one? And how do you know which books are the good ones?
Throughout history the methods of parenting have been passed down from parents and community to new parents. The methods common within a culture became the start of enculturation and the methods that were unique to particular families presented traditions that solidified membership and education of ones familial group.
In every age and culture some new parents chose to parent differently in some ways. There were the things they remembered with pain and embarrassment, those they chose not to do, but in all they did as they were told because they were inexperienced and worried about not doing the best thing for their loved one.
So I wonder how little old ladies feel about this new world where the things they were taught to be true have changed so much. Did that frail and stooped woman regret locking her new baby away from the world for however long her mom said she should? Did her friend's reaction make her wonder how many other things she was told she "had" to do were really not musts?
And do today's grandparents look at our options, our information and research that gives us the confidence to find our own path, and wish they had those or feel glad that they at least "knew" what was right?
I can only say that I am glad that I have such a vast resource for my parenting information. I also imagine it would have been something my mom would have enjoyed and used if she'd had the chance.
As I was leaving the store I was thinking how lucky I am to have as much information as I want about parenting at my fingertips. I was also thinking about how some of the women on MDC are really mad at their parents for not parenting them in a way they agree with, even if they did not have abusive childhoods.
The thing I think so many of us new parents are not considering is that our mothers, and their mothers before them, did not have a lot of parenting options and information presented to them. They were largely told "this is how you take care of a baby..." and who can blame them for accepting that when they didn't have the opportunity to easily find another way? Sure they could read books, but how many books can you read in your spare time with a little one? And how do you know which books are the good ones?
Throughout history the methods of parenting have been passed down from parents and community to new parents. The methods common within a culture became the start of enculturation and the methods that were unique to particular families presented traditions that solidified membership and education of ones familial group.
In every age and culture some new parents chose to parent differently in some ways. There were the things they remembered with pain and embarrassment, those they chose not to do, but in all they did as they were told because they were inexperienced and worried about not doing the best thing for their loved one.
So I wonder how little old ladies feel about this new world where the things they were taught to be true have changed so much. Did that frail and stooped woman regret locking her new baby away from the world for however long her mom said she should? Did her friend's reaction make her wonder how many other things she was told she "had" to do were really not musts?
And do today's grandparents look at our options, our information and research that gives us the confidence to find our own path, and wish they had those or feel glad that they at least "knew" what was right?
I can only say that I am glad that I have such a vast resource for my parenting information. I also imagine it would have been something my mom would have enjoyed and used if she'd had the chance.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thoughts on Mothering
When I was young I was convinced my mother was the greatest mom around. I felt this way through my teenage years, but then as I entered adulthood I began to reevaluate my opinion on the matter.
I came to resent the way that I was unprepared to deal with life. I felt that she had neglected to prepare me for not only the practicalities of living, but also how to deal with hardship, stress and relationships. I decided that she was too immature to effectively parent. I often wished she would not have had me... sometimes I hated her for how hard even simple aspects of living were for me.
I blamed her for not knowing how to manage money, time, my home and my life. I blamed her for not protecting me from people who hurt and damaged me; I blamed her for not giving me the parenting I needed and deserved.
I still feel like I was shorted in the parenting department. It is true that she was not an ideal parent and that I was/am ill-prepared for life. I am finding, though, that I blame her much less.
I've begun to imagine what life must have been like for her. She was 21 when she had my older brother, 25 when she had me. She married my father when she was 20. She had never lived outside of her parent's home; she was sheltered and cared for until the day she was married. Then, this innocent girl soon found she had married a monster. My father intimidated and abused her mentally, physically and emotionally throughout their marriage. I used to blame her for not leaving him, for not having better taste in men... finally I'm beginning to see how hard it must have been.
For now I look at my innocent child. I see how beautiful she is and know that my mother saw the same thing in my brother and I. I see how hard it is to adjust to being responsible for someone completely helpless and dependent and see how frightening it is to imagine doing it alone. I know she loved my father... now I imagine how hard it must have been to love a man you are afraid of. Perhaps loving Eric, someone I will never have to fear, has given me the strength to understand how awful it would be to feel so connected to someone unworthy of my love.
I see that she must have tried to protect us, that she was not prepared to have to though. She was not taught to watch out for people hurting her children. She was naive and did not know the evil that sometimes lurks within seemingly safe people... things like that were not discussed then, they didn't happen... at least not publicly.
And while I still wish I would have had a better childhood, that I would not have so intimately learned the possibilities of cruelty in others, I no longer blame her for giving me life. I can see how she must have happily anticipated the birth of my brother and I... as joyfully as I did. How she must have spent hours holding us, memorizing our tiny hands and feet, trying to decipher the color our eyes would become and who's nose and lips we had.
And I finally know, once more, that my mother really did love me. I know that, even with all of her failings, she gave us the best she had to give. Perhaps it was not as much as I would have hoped for, but it was more than many people have had. And now I can take from her the lovely things she did give us... Singing to Lily, telling her stories, making paper dolls, playing silly car games on long trips and the comfort of mommy hugs.
I think she's taught me more about being a mom than I ever thought I'd give her credit for. Some things by example and others through omission. In any case I am hopeful that I will be able to be the kind of mother I dream of being to Lily, and loving Lily has given me the peace to know my mother gave us all she had to give.
I came to resent the way that I was unprepared to deal with life. I felt that she had neglected to prepare me for not only the practicalities of living, but also how to deal with hardship, stress and relationships. I decided that she was too immature to effectively parent. I often wished she would not have had me... sometimes I hated her for how hard even simple aspects of living were for me.
I blamed her for not knowing how to manage money, time, my home and my life. I blamed her for not protecting me from people who hurt and damaged me; I blamed her for not giving me the parenting I needed and deserved.
I still feel like I was shorted in the parenting department. It is true that she was not an ideal parent and that I was/am ill-prepared for life. I am finding, though, that I blame her much less.
I've begun to imagine what life must have been like for her. She was 21 when she had my older brother, 25 when she had me. She married my father when she was 20. She had never lived outside of her parent's home; she was sheltered and cared for until the day she was married. Then, this innocent girl soon found she had married a monster. My father intimidated and abused her mentally, physically and emotionally throughout their marriage. I used to blame her for not leaving him, for not having better taste in men... finally I'm beginning to see how hard it must have been.
For now I look at my innocent child. I see how beautiful she is and know that my mother saw the same thing in my brother and I. I see how hard it is to adjust to being responsible for someone completely helpless and dependent and see how frightening it is to imagine doing it alone. I know she loved my father... now I imagine how hard it must have been to love a man you are afraid of. Perhaps loving Eric, someone I will never have to fear, has given me the strength to understand how awful it would be to feel so connected to someone unworthy of my love.
I see that she must have tried to protect us, that she was not prepared to have to though. She was not taught to watch out for people hurting her children. She was naive and did not know the evil that sometimes lurks within seemingly safe people... things like that were not discussed then, they didn't happen... at least not publicly.
And while I still wish I would have had a better childhood, that I would not have so intimately learned the possibilities of cruelty in others, I no longer blame her for giving me life. I can see how she must have happily anticipated the birth of my brother and I... as joyfully as I did. How she must have spent hours holding us, memorizing our tiny hands and feet, trying to decipher the color our eyes would become and who's nose and lips we had.
And I finally know, once more, that my mother really did love me. I know that, even with all of her failings, she gave us the best she had to give. Perhaps it was not as much as I would have hoped for, but it was more than many people have had. And now I can take from her the lovely things she did give us... Singing to Lily, telling her stories, making paper dolls, playing silly car games on long trips and the comfort of mommy hugs.
I think she's taught me more about being a mom than I ever thought I'd give her credit for. Some things by example and others through omission. In any case I am hopeful that I will be able to be the kind of mother I dream of being to Lily, and loving Lily has given me the peace to know my mother gave us all she had to give.
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